Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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