I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
