Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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