Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
