I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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