My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
