I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize