my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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