What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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