My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
