youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
