Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
