So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
