I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
