just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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