But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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