I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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