New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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