Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
