can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
