I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
