Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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