If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Randomize