Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
