then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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