we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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