My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
