Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Non-Jews are for practice
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i drank out of a bidet.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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