I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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