You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
