Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
