I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
