When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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