Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
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