Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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