Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Randomize
