Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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