I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize