White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
your like the ambassador to my penis.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Randomize
