my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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