So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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