i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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