So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
