just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
whose parrot is this?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
