her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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