all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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