Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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