i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
