I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
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