my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm way too hungover for life right now
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
