I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
