I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize