you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
