i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
