If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
