I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
