So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
