My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
