my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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