1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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