I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize