my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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