I wish my penis had an off switch
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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