my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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