saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
