Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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