I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We had to coat check the pizza.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize